How Much Should You Compromise?
Whether you like to believe it or not, we each have several versions of ourselves. I know for sure that I act and think differently when I am alone compared to when I am acting in society. I am highly critical of myself in social situations, so I constantly find my mind disagreeing with my mouth when I am talking to other people. I prefer to say what I believe, and believe what I say. For the most part, I am pretty good at living and speaking my truth, but sometimes, for whatever reason it may be, I fall short of this. Nothing frightens me more than failing to live up to the highest virtue- truth. Now one could argue, and they would be right, that truth is both objective and subjective. I would respond to that by saying that only you know whether what you are saying complies with your beliefs or not.
Each of us has that part of us that watches what we say and how we act to make sure it’s aligned with our beliefs and our values. I know from personal experience that I have come away from a conversation feeling like I embellished or that I was trying too hard to make the person like me. Other times I walk away from a conversation feeling like I was truly my genuine self with that other person. I listened to them and responded with accordingly. I said what I believed and did not add anything simply for the sake of trying to win a dispute or make myself look like an “intellectual”. I know that for a long time that voice in my head was telling me I had been failing to live up to being my true self in social settings. It is only recently that I feel confident in my ability to articulate and express my truth.
The part of your personality concerned with how you act, think, and speak within society is called the persona. Carl Jung, the famous Swiss psychiatrist, had this to say about the persona:
“Fundamentally, the persona is nothing real: it is a compromise between individual and society as to what a man should appear to be. He takes a name, earns a title, represents an office, he is this or that. In a certain sense all this is real, yet in relation to the essential individuality of the person concerned it is only secondary reality, a product of compromise, in making which others often have a greater share than he.”
It is obvious that certain compromise in social settings is necessary. Ideally, we should all behave in a manner that is in accordance with both social and cultural norms… at the very least. Doing these things allows you to get in the door, to be part of the conversation. What one does and says as part of the conversation is the main concern of this essay. I’m talking about embellishing a story to impress someone. I’m talking about telling someone what you think they want to hear, instead of what you really feel. I’m talking about agreeing with someone just because you’re afraid of the confrontation that may follow. I list these specific examples without judgement, because I found myself doing these things often.
As counter-intuitive as it may sound, I believe that speaking the truth takes practice. We need to stumble over our egos a few too many times before we realize that it’s not going to get us anywhere. On the other end of the spectrum is bashfulness and fear of confrontation. I used to agree with people even when I knew they were wrong just because I did not want to the one to call them out on it. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes the topic just isn’t worth addressing, but that was not the case in my experiences. I wanted to call them out on it but did not want to be perceived as rude or confrontational even though I believed the topic was certainly worth addressing. That is where I believe I have failed to live out my truth. It is in those situations that I compromised too much of myself so that I may be perceived in a way that was different than who I actually was.
The persona only occupies a portion of the personality, but it’s a crucial part of the whole. The persona is the self portrait you choose to hold up to the crowd in place of your face. Picture this: If you had to go up on stage and hold a portrait of yourself over your face for the whole world to see, how would you draw yourself? Would you attempt to make yourself look better than you really do? Would you be too shy or self deprecating to make the portrait live up to your actual beauty? Or would you try and get it exactly right? At some point every one is going to know the truth. You can spend your whole life letting your ego take the wheel or handing it over to society to shape your persona for you.
The key to getting that portrait exactly right is knowing your dimensions, your features, your tone, your demeanor. To find the right balance in your persona you must know yourself pretty well. Unfortunately, we humans aren’t as smart as we think we are so it takes trial and error to figure it out. We don’t necessarily know is going to come out of our mouthes when we speak. People think as they speak and as they write. I have said things in conversation I did not even know I believed. Speaking is often the active process of thinking. On the other hand, I have caught myself straight up bullshitting to make a point. The funny thing is we always know how close we were to hitting the bullseye of truth once we’re home at night thinking about our day. Take that intrinsic feeling and use it accordingly as either positive or negative reinforcement. Conduct an audit of yourself at the end of every social interaction and use it to shape your persona to meet your truth.
I would like to add just one more thing if you would indulge me and I believe this to be the most important point of all. Listen. Truly listen to the people you talk and interact with. When you approach social interactions with genuine curiosity, you won’t concern yourself with trying to make yourself seem more impressive or interesting. Listen. Then respond. Don’t formulate your answer as someone else speaks to you. You might just learn something.
Start working on making your portrait as accurate as possible. Jung says that others often have a greater share in the making of one’s persona than he/she does. Work on becoming the majority shareholder of your persona, for it is your only means of communication.
