How to Respond to Your Partner When They Come to You With a Problem
One of the best parts of having a loyal partner is being able to tell them anything. We share the good, the bad, and everything in between with them. I love sharing good news with my girlfriend because she understands everything that led up to it, allowing her to genuinely feel happy for me and with me. When I’m conflicted the first thing I do is pick up the phone and call my girlfriend for her input on what I should do next.
Relationships are special this way. Being able to experience life with someone else is fun and entertaining, but it’s also incredibly pragmatic. Simply put, two brains are better than one. As self-aware and intelligent as you think you are, you were endowed with a particular set of personality traits that provide you with certain competencies and also leave you with glaring gaps. Unless your partner is your identical twin (really hope that’s not the case), they will be able to fill some of those gaps by helping you see things from a different perspective and help you solve problems you probably couldn’t face alone.
Having someone by your side during tough times, assuming the person legitimately cares about you and loves you, can be an absolute blessing. If that person is able to listen to you properly and without any hidden agendas or harmful biases, they can use their understanding of you and your trials to offer you emotional support and ingenious solutions to your problems. However, in this situation, what sounds great in theory is more difficult in practice. It is rare that a person is both good at listening and problem-solving. Even if they are, it is difficult to discern which situations call for which responses.
My girlfriend will constantly approach me with problems she may be facing within her family, friend group, or at work. Being a solution-focused individual, I would listen to her closely, try to gather as much information about the situation as possible, and then offer my feedback. It took me years to realize how naive I was in thinking that my girlfriend wanted my advice. What she really wanted was someone to listen to her, validate her subjective thoughts and emotions, and empathize with her. She would take it from there. This became very clear to me once I began taking courses in pursuit of my Masters in Mental Health Counseling.
I learned that first, I should never assume that I have enough information to understand something as well as the person who experienced it. Second, it’s not my place to hijack Rebecca’s problems with my own solutions. Even if I have the perfect solution, (which I probably don’t because it’s her life, not mine), what good does it do her solve her problems for her? It’s a short-term solution that will only exacerbate your partner’s tendency to rely on you to save the day. It might inflate your ego to TRY and save the day but it’s more likely to do harm than good.
If your significant other is coming to you with problems and those conversations are ending in arguments, it’s probably because you are trying to do more than you should be. It can be incredibly frustrating to tell your partner something and have them respond immediately with “I think”. 1) this isn’t about you. 2) they might not care what you think right now 3) an incorrect interpretation will show that you do not understand the situation correctly 4) any type of interpretation risks undermining your partner’s subjective experience.
I became aware of this phenomenon when my girlfriend first brought to my attention the fact that I always thought I knew the best course of action for her when she approached me with a problem. She told me that sometimes she just wanted to be heard. Once she told me this, I began to notice when she would do it to me and became very aware of how annoying it was to have her interpret my every word and provide her input when all I wanted to do was vent.
Now every time my girlfriend comes to me with some type of problem, I begin the conversation by asking her if she wants me to listen or she wants me to help her solve a problem. This has been incredibly useful for us in that it provides us with the knowledge to respect each other’s boundaries as individuals. When she begins telling me about something and I don’t have the time to ask her this question, I at least have an understanding that both options are available to me, instead of the solution-focused approach I default to. I will then listen to her very closely in an attempt to understand what she wants from my end at this very moment. If you listen closely she will tell you. A stream of consciousness probably means she’s venting and if she’s asking you direct questions then she wants your input. It becomes more complex to communicate effectively and in a healthy manner if you have built up counterproductive communication patterns over a long period of time.
If you’re the type of person who always has to input your two cents when your partner approaches you with an issue and you’re with someone who is very agreeable, then they have learned to rely on you to think and feel for them. Your word is final and they always accept it. This can become incredibly dangerous and the scary part is, it’s possible that neither one of you is aware of the role you’ve played in promoting this unhealthy form of dialogue. In this case, I urge you to try asking more questions and keep your opinions out of it as an exercise.
Most people never consider how they speak to others. The types of sentences you use are critically important and will dictate the course of the conversation. Once you develop the awareness to understand just how powerful your decisions are in guiding a dialogue, you will develop the ability to speak more intentionally. Use more questions than comments. Ask open-ended questions. Use ‘how’ and ‘what’ questions. “How did that make you feel?” “What was that like for you?” A close-ended question is anything that can be answered in ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Use close-ended questions when you need specific questions, but for the most part, give your partner the freedom they need to think out loud with open-ended questions. This will allow them to vent effectively and will lead you to a better understanding of your partner. Also, when you give your partner the freedom to think out loud, they will usually talk themselves right into the solutions they need.
It can be very difficult to override your own selfish instinct to insert yourself, but your partner will appreciate it and so will you in the long term. You will be teaching yourself patience. Your partner will feel heard and understood. Your ability to communicate as partners will improve exponentially and so will your understanding of each other on the deepest levels. Give it a try and let me know how it goes!
